I am startled by light. Startled into light. Startled onto light.
Things are clearer closer up – the sound of birds wings flapping gives a sense of satisfaction. Car engines feel like a shame, personalised number plates overly brash and manicured lawns are puzzling. Alone with a million trees. Giant oaks lean over and reprimand her for her ignorance, for her mistakes, for underestimating the seriousness of her predicament. They point at her with snaking sclerotic arms. Of course, she knows such humanising of alien trees is wrong but this is a human-made place. It is all about humans. Humans’ previous actions niggle.
Dear mother, dear kitchen, dear time, dear Roosevelt, dear growing up,
I cannot
I cannot consider
I cannot consider living
I cannot consider living immaculately
I will not
I will not tidy
I know
I know there is
I know there is a collection
I know there is a collection of me
I will not
I will not have it
I do not
I do not want
I do not want your
I do not want your shiny efforts
She stands in the shadow of the door for a while before going to stand in the shadow of her mother. Both figures, one green, one darker bend over a book. A collage of pages fanning out with newspaper clippings, food diaries, school grades and IQ tests.
I wish to
I wish to know
I wish to know exactly
I wish to know exactly why we bleed into one another
If only these were them! Perfect twin pillars!!
Human puppets and dancing doppelgängers. We recommend the use of soft rhythmic music to aid the movement. You can only do it in a critical window period. Parenthood. Or… learning how to handle and carefully manipulate another human body (she nods towards the church).
She wished her voice hadn’t swallowed itself. If it ever unfurled, if it ever roared, she’d be able to keep her cool and maintain composure, Keep her Distance and Keep her Options Open, Depersonalise and Shift from Reactive to Proactive
Written 15th August 2016. Dug up 18th August 2017